You might want to sit down before reading this, because this is one tale that’s sure to stimulate your blood simmer: The theater department at Alton B. Parker High School only released the casting listing for its springtime production of Wicked , and it turns out junior Laura Coleman was cast as the leading just because she’s still stuck in the harness from her performance in Peter Pan .
Yeah. You read that right. This is extremely unjust.
Seriously, this is totally unfair. Just because Laura hasn’t been able to free herself from her harness after something moved horribly wrong when the stage crew hoisted her into the air during the course of its finale of Peter Pan before wintertime breach does not mean she should have automatically gotten to play the starring role of Elphaba in Wicked this semester. It shouldn’t matter how convenient it is to just leave her in the harness to portray a second winging character. This play should have cast fair and square with auditions that made equal opportunities to all students whether or not they’ve been stuck swaying from the stage rafters for the past three months.
Yes, it’s true-life that Elphaba is a character in Wicked who flies, and since not even the jaw of life could free Laura from the harness she’s been trapped in since early November, it solves a lot of troubles to merely give her the role, but there are a lot of other talented students who would have done a great job as Elphaba, too! There’s no famine of wonderful singers at Alton B. Parker High who can belt out a beautiful rendition of “Defying Gravity, ” but just because they haven’t been dangling from the ceiling like a human pinata day in and day out like Laura, those talented students weren’t even considered for the role.
Maybe a different student could have been cast as Elphaba and Laura’s presence up there in the rafters could have been explained by casting her as a bird or a cloud or something. That would have been lane more equitable for everyone. Instead, Laura gets even more special treatment on top of already having the janitor spoon-feed her dinner every night and getting to be on the front page of the school newspaper once the fire department gave up on trying to free her from the harness and it was clear she’d be hanging above the stage for the foreseeable future.
Yep, this is completely unfair in every sense of the word. Laura should not have automatically get to star in this play simply because nobody can get her out of that harness. This is a total unfairnes for all the students who wanted a shot to sing “Defying Gravity” based on their own talent and faithfulnes, even when they don’t happen to have Laura’s good fortune to be hovering above the stage in a harness that nobody can free her from. The faculty should be completely ashamed of themselves.
Read more: http :// www.clickhole.com/ article/ totally-unfair-high-schooler-was-only-cast-lead-wi-7 266
This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died hundreds of thousands of demises, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption tale of a man who went from sexuality predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any pits on you, you already was well known that I’m talking about: pick-up artist and writer Don Diebel.
It’s important to me that you know this is a real person , and not some wacky character I devised for an SNL audition. This boy is an actual author who wrote real books. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real publishing Texas Monthly 😛 TAGEND
Coming into the 1980 s, Don Diebel’s simply personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the cities or at home coyly looking the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tone, Don stimulated every interaction into penetration. You may look at his image and think, “This guy? He looks like a Before scene in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad.” Sick burn, but don’t be fooled. He waged a four-decade campaign against unfilled orifices. Planned Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.
Don, a producing Texas pussy vagrant, started off with the noble goal of teaching others how to swindle strangers out of sexuality. It’s a cause that would devour and ultimately destroy him, but at the age 33, Don didn’t know any of this. He only knew two things, and both of them were titties. With his thick, wavy mane going prematurely white — a totally-worth-it side effect of mustache ride friction — he wrote his first book on the thing he thought he did best: How To Pick Up Women In Discos .
Unfortunately, Don wasn’t as great with language as he was with nipple play-act. He wrote like a boy who spent elementary school crushing ass instead of learning sentence structure. He built adoration like a dream, but where reference is typed, his commas limply flopped into the wrong places like a porn actor who lied on his resume. Don Diebel is first and foremost a admirer, and not at all any kind of second thing. No publisher wanted his manuscript.
To circumvent the literary world’s modesty and taste, Don started his own publishing company. The newly founded Gemini Pub Co’s first volume, How To Pick Up Women In Discos , became an instant critical and fiscal failure. What happened? Well, Don Diebel can only spell “pusy, ” and he writes like eight of his thumbs are trapped in a butt. Politics likewise played a part. It’s easy to forget that women in 1980 had to file taxes as “female livestock or lipstick storage equipment, ” and they could still be arrested for lifting the tuna from a Jell-O casserole recipe. Yet even during that epoch, Don’s book on “picking up” wives was to be considered as sexist. So Diebel ricochetted back in 1982 with the more gently named THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN . It was pretty much the same book.
Don still had issues with punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but you don’t buy a volume like THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN because you have keen communication abilities. You buy it because your swollen balls were in the bookstore shrieking, “Aargh! Try anything! Heeelp! ” Here’s what’s crazy, though: This volume is virtually criminally wrong about how to approach females. Utilizing this book to your game is like adding anime rantings and seven mouth sores to your play. If you’ve had sex fewer than 70 days, reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN legally restores your virginity. Let’s look at some excerpts( 1982 first edition ). All typos are Don’s.
The first section is largely for fun. It describes the different types of women you’ll run into in the disco. Watch out for The Man-Hater! She’s a type of wildlife who are goes to singles bars to construct mean faces at boys ask questions casual sex. You can skip most of this chapter, since if you use the techniques described in the book, you’ll find virtually all women fall into this category.
This section helps establish some of the rules for the dames. If you make eye linked with Don Diebel, then great. Enjoy the moistest night of their own lives. And if you construct the mistake of not accepting his penis, the least you could do is give honest but fair notes on what he and it could have done better.
Stay where you are, though, silent and alert. Don will have some questions and arguings, followed by several sexual gives of reduced intimacy, such as “handjob” or “eat your ass.” Wait for him to fully complete his exit interview before going home. If you do remain in the fraternity, you taunt, return to Don often, and a little bit hornier if you don’t mind, for up to ten last chances. Don understands this can be inconvenient, but it’s what you signed up for when you brought a vagina with you outside.
So let me get this straight, Don. You spend your afternoons looking for the least interesting alcoholic in Houston’s Holiday Inn saloons, and you’re willing to be slapped and humbled for the desperate, minuscule chance to destroy an already sad person’s wedlock. And after years of this, you think, “I should write an advice volume to assistance others avoid this tragic life. Wait. No, the opposite.” This whole book is like getting recommendations from “the worlds” champion of diarrheas hasten eating.
Judging by the advice he makes, Don holds a woman not taking a swaying at him to be a sexual conquest. His approach is to take the tact of a metro masturbator, mix it with the charm of a subway masturbator, then remove all self-awareness. So yes, of course it seems like topless dancers are “easy lays” to him. When he talks to a woman in literally any other line of work, she calls the police before he says a second thing.
It’s important to note that Diebel thinks he devised trying to fuck strippers. This will be a repetition theme in his books, along with another overlooked source of eligible bachelorettes 😛 TAGEND
With this degree of relentless pursuit, I have to wonder how Don managed to stay single. I’d ask one of his former lovers about it, but this entry induces me imagine I’d necessity a squad of bird-dogs and a spade to find one.
Women, this is going to sound like obvious advice when you are hear it, but find yourself a man who can listing nine different swingers magazines before he even gets to the mediocre ones.
Whether it’s Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator find ways to take complicated, expansive notions and translate them into conversational speech. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of recommending “Point at your dick? “
Shout out to 1982 ‘s Barbara, who managed to have the most uncomfortable line in a panty sniffer’s How To Date-Rape book. This was your chance to help people, and you really blew it, Barbara. I don’t know who you are I’m lecturing you, though. You’ve likely been dead 30 times, and your entire eulogy was just your bartender telling a coroner, “Yeah, I think that’s Britney.”
If a lady isn’t having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it’s probably because she’s sitting too far away to insure. Move in close, jiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say “I’M POINTING AT MY DICK” in Braille 😛 TAGEND
Haha wait, what? Fucking what , Don Diebel? This is a complete reversal of what you were saying last page. I’d hate to find out I became registered as a sex offender in 19 states by following the advice of a guy who was so full of shit he couldn’t even maintain his own wise straight-out. Oh, great. Now you’ve got me writing GOP slogans.
Well, yeah. Duh. I have a boner, Don , not a fervour for sorcery.
Don Diebel, if masturbation fantasies were forced by universal law to come true, we were able to all be hunky sleuths investigating erotic mysteries with Shannon Tweed. Every few hours, we would abruptly find ourselves buried in perplexing stacks of our stepmother’s pantyhose. You can’t conjure things by fantasizing about them really hard. And if you are able, the least imaginative seventh-grader would fill the free time of every hot daughter in the world. Don Diebel, listen. You can literally look down at your own lonely, unwelcome dick to know none of this is the case, Don.
THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN continues like that for a while, going into great detail on how to hypnotize yourself has become still more seductive and offering beginner hygiene tips-off to avoid being a dealbreaker at debaucheries. The book was, by any measure, a humiliating calamity. His eager, virgin dong still had more to teach, but crackings were starting to sort in Don Diebel’s fragile soul.
It had been eight years since the liberate of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN , and the book simply became popular in one community: district attorney presenting proof in rape trials. But Don had an idea that could turn his literary career around — an idea most people would call embarrassing. It was a pick-up artist book written by a humankind, but for, get this, ladies .
It’s worth noting that the two-time failed writer whose the recommendations on hitchhikers was “try to fuck them” was now describing himself on book jacket with “Don Diebel — World famous writer, writer, lecturer, dating consultant, TV and radio personality, astrologer, has helped thousands of lonely hearts win at video games of desire with his phenomenal best-sellers.”
FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men was an ambitious project to take female victims and sexually aggressive disco creeps and swap their brains. If it worked, “it wouldve been” the greatest breakthrough in free vagina since Donald Trump had a daughter. And if it didn’t, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely moron whose greatest aspiration was to get away with sexual assault — the exact thesis of his last book. Let’s see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical mistakes have been respectfully left in.
The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of men you’ll run across in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He simply came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. Did he … no. No, he couldn’t have. There’s no way.
Oh, holy shit. This is … oh, holy shit . Don’s book on helping dames find intrigue is only THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN , word for word, with the genders switched. This madman actually knows so little about females that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing guidebook and it will work as woman’s guide to find desire. That’s … that’s the most sexist thing but also somehow the least sexist thing I’ve ever heard.
When I realise he rewrote the same book( again ), simply with different pronouns, I guessed, “OK, but he’s going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right? ” He fucking didn’t! All he did was adds three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while it is dangerous, she still has at least a 51 percentage possibility of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter. But before you jump on that “golden opportunity, ” daughters, be considered that these statistics are simply the casual speculation of a lonely human who dreams of the working day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of freeway stabbing incidents.
If you’re luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you’re operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad wife with a volume and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to scratch his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very instant a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.
Maybe I didn’t give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his handbook for novice sexuality predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women into your home to pretend to do astrology. In the female version, there’s a bit of astrology.
One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich humen. This replaced a section for the men devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not has become a smart boy, but Don has been kicked out of enough debaucheries to know that women favor cash prizes to group sex.
When FINDING MR. Right: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men — the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable book — didn’t work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen mind, sharpened by years of supposing vulvas, imagined: “What if there was a collecting of pages that contained the names, places, and phone numbers of businesses !? ” He then published THE HOUSTON ENTERTAINMENT AND Dating GUIDE: WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO FROM A TO Z
This joyless list of business hours and addresses contained 100 pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen centers are as basic concepts. If “youre in” the Houston area in the early ‘9 0s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it built the perfect gift. Regrettably, this was not a large enough group of people to make the book a hit.
So after publishing one pick-up artist book three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don invested eight years coming up with his realest mind yet. It was a book about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only proportion he’d ever experienced: the commencement of the line.
In 1999, at the age of 52, Don Diebel published 1001 Best Pick-Up Line: Sure-fire Opening Lines For Meeting, Attracting, and Seducing Women . On the book jacket, he described himself as “America’s# 1 Singles Expert and one of the nation’s producing group of experts on dating and relationships.” He was back and doing what he did best: creating awkward situations between a handful of sad men and their volume store clerks, then nothing fucking close to anything else.
Fun fact: The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick get seduced in a bar, Don applied clip artwork of what seems to be a hospitality laborer explaining to a passenger that his mother simply fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange selection, and also one irrelevant to anything I’ll be discussing! Let’s take a look inside 😛 TAGEND
Women love honesty, but they likewise adoration whodunit, which builds this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you want her, engaging in the sensual game of cat and rat that is seduction. She’s thinking, “Did this elderly man actually fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humour and no judgement? ” and you’re reasoning, “LICK HER TOES, COWARD. NO, MOTHER, I MUSTN’T! LICK HER TOES, COWARD.”
At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it’s so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic help feeling that merely exists between the moment you open a Valentine’s Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the junk. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment.
If you construct a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to get-up-and-go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it determined, “its best” at its undertaking than this line is at picking up women.
This one isn’t bad, Don, but the default human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising “Sure-fire opening lines for meet, attract, and seducing women” from “America’s# 1 Singles Expert.” This is kind of like including “milk” in a cookbook, or “none” in The Comprehensive Guide To Vaginas Don Diebel Has Actually Seen .
“Because if you are, your pizza, pastas, and zeal for life truly plumb my koopas. And lasagna? I’m sorry , no girl has ever let me talk this long. I- aaaaaaahhhhh I’m! Is this? I-I’m CUMMMING !!!! “
This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I believe Don has given up trying to seduce ladies and now he’s simply searching for the secret defraud code to turn off a woman’s nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own gasps fill with pee-pee. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the Diebel household crest.
This opening line can really move things along, but it simply works on Alzheimer’s patients who are willing to have sex with “the mens” they think are their children.
No, she’s still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1,001 conversation starters if the only nine honest dialogues you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can’t remember them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own volume, how are they going to work on the real girls laughing at the little mustache you developed to conceal your chimpanzee lips? How many times will you ask them if they’re Italian while they’re telling the bouncer you two are reeking their bar stools? A million dollars says the most significant you’ve ever come to actual sexuality is when you find a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fucking, Don Diebel.
While she’s lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with “That counts! You all realized! FIRST BASE FOR DIEBEL! Ow! Stop! OK, I’m leaving! I, HEY! I’m entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl! “
Let’s imagine this in a best-case scenario. Let’s say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let’s say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn’t you, Don Diebel, the man giving local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her drinking and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we’re not done.
Don, you seem to think a woman’s mood can be manipulated with suggestion and imperceptible body language. If that’s true, and we’re merely playing games now because it isn’t, wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction? Don’t you think running up to her with a butt smell emergency might undo the 40 seconds you invest trying to get her to look at your dick? By your own science, you’ve implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one steps out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy.
Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this level you might as well ask for her address and if it’s OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she hurls out.
This isn’t how meet people runs or how licking people runs. The nicest thing anyone has ever said about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: “Don Diebel’s direct, slobbery approach to picking up girls saves everyone time! Most sexual predators conceal their nighttime aims behind charm until it’s far too late! “
You probably know this is the desperate act of a sexuality crook and wouldn’t operate. If you did this one million times, you would read zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison. “Its like” writing a book on finance and suggesting, “Sell a stolen bike for $50 million!( Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics .) ” And don’t fucking forget, Don Diebel wrote this when he was a 52 -year-old man. That’s almost 40 its past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said two seconds thing to him.
There’s no way anyone is this bad with women. If you told me this volume was a marketing strategy created by the pepper spraying industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.
Is that true-life, ladies? Call the police for “no, ” and dry heave for a more comical “no.”
I’ve induced fun of a lot of the stuff in this volume, but this one is just good publish. It’s effective, too. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you’re simply a horny moron works in any situation. For instance, if you’re at the DMV, say, “You crazy bitch, I know you took my cat! ” Then I wait six, maybe seven thumps, and finish, “…alog for big penis rubbers. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet? “
Let the record show: America’s# 1 Singles Expert proposes, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines , that you should tell a woman her daddy attains you horny with a trumpet pun.
If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At nighttime, she will lay awake recollecting how you introduced yourself. She’ll think about it when you’re inside her. She’ll go onto pervert meetings and trumpet subreddits, urgently looking for answers. “My lover said my father must play the trumpet because he sure does stimulate him horny. Please, what does it mean? ” You couldn’t say anything more hauntingly unappealing if you walked up to a stranger and is necessary to slip your cold hands into her tits.
Oh, come on . Fuck your frigid soul, Don Diebel. You would lick a pit into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it.
This book contains an entire chapter of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead , but direct quotes and references to the cartoon. I don’t have a joke about that; I merely crave you to know it exists.
Don also included a section specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like “What’s your real name? ” and, I swear to God this is a line in its entirety, “Show me your bush ! ” He indicates saying, “Don’t you get tired of all these hornies men with their brain between their legs? ” on the same page as, “Don’t you get tired of being around all these drunks and horny men acting like a bunch of idiots? ” Most of the other lines are different ways you can shame her and her filthy job.
Don Diebel is utterly the lonely man in the strip saloon earnestly seeking a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of man says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel’s chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year 2000, Don was a 53 -year-old man offering sex to sex employees with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen’s blood. And things didn’t get much better in the next decade.
The 2000 s were a slow day for Diebel’s publishing. His first five books were the dark fantasies of a monster too sheepish to go through with a real kidnapping. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo — useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into.
Dwell publication did an interview with him , not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they saw an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he “wouldve been” perfect expert to evaluation three modern lamps. Each of his reviews were the incoherent rambles of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that’s not important. What’s important is it revealed Don Diebel had a website , and it’s exactly what you’d expect.
It’s called Getgirls.com, and it sells sexuality cologne, romance cassettes, and his stupid goddamn books. And these are not products for presentable humen looking to enhance their desirability — Getgirls.com is entirely banking on you having several crippling emotional disorder and facial imperfections. His approach to women is 100 percent “You’re barely goo, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing.” Here’s a screenshot 😛 TAGEND
Getgirls.com’s products are designed to turn unwilling women into sex spouses, which is strange, because it’s the one thing the site’s creator has plainly never done. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis tapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penis wasn’t as successful as you might imagine, so Don tried one last time to write a volume on scoring babes. Let’s talk about 2009 ‘s 200 Guaranteed Ways To Succeed With Ladies: Everything You Require To Know On How To Meet, Date, And Attract Women .
This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one mainly focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It’s less a guide to crushing ass and more of a train manual for a crisis hotline volunteer. The entries are self-help mantras like “Cure for the blues (# 10) ” and “How to be happy (# 14 ), ” which take up less than a whole page put together. And #30 is just “How to eat Italian meat, ” with got a couple of tips-off on table manners. But let me tell you about #29. Oh, holy shitting fuck, #29.
Imagine the erotic memoirs of a 62 -year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn’t sure which of the blob is the mons pubis. That’s what I’m about to show you. The 29 th Secured Way to Succeed with Women is called “My date from hell, ” and it’s an un-proofread account of Don Diebel’s greatest sexual triumph 😛 TAGEND
One of the reasons why Diebel’s pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked girls jump on him before he can practice them. And if you’re supposing none of this happened, which of these two scenarios is more likely?
A: A sad boy with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely tale in which he’s highly motivated to lie.
B: The hottest girl, like, ever get into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly boy as he’s trying to drive over sunbathers.
C: Oh, you weren’t expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally end this sentence with three sexually accused words penis, butt, penis. Hi, I’m Seanbaby, and I’ve read all of Don Diebel’s volumes. Show me your bush.
Assuming this date really happened( and aren’t we being cute ), Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She concurred, but instead of a wild night of intrigue, they discovered Don left his bird-dog home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard torsoes. It was comatose from dehydration. This entails in an imaginary tale wherein Diebel controls every detail, he virtually murders his own puppy and can’t close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sexuality. But don’t give up yet. We’re not even close to done.
OK, so Don Diebel killed his puppy, but not before it get way more activity from his date than he did.
Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Plainly, he had been able to drive back to the beach to find a substitution hot girl, maybe even one who hadn’t watched a puppy die on her own mouth that afternoon. But Diebel was going to finish what he started — he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the wharf, his beloved dead companion still lingering on her breath.
None of the date was going well. She flirted with other boys, Don picked a fight with her, and she hopped into a pond and nearly succumbed. “I was pissed, ” recollects Don. But you don’t get to be America’s# 1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet daughter he disliked back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sexuality mere feet from a container of puppy meat to go forever uneaten. Instead, this happens 😛 TAGEND
That was quite an adventure, right? It’s patently — OBVIOUSLY — not true, but better than good lies have elements of truth in them. So, Houston police, there’s a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his bird-dog, medication a woman, and hurled her body in a lake. The only part of the tale I 100 percentage believe is that Don couldn’t get laid even with the world’s sluttiest girl over the course of eight locating changes.
Don reprinted this story on a self-help (!) website, and I genuinely promote speculative fiction fans to go read it in its entirety: My Date From Hell. But do that afterwards, because we’re about to enter the 2010 s, the activities of the decade when Don Diebel genuinely “losing ones” entire mind.
With the forgettable 200 Guaranteed Whatevers To Disillusion Your Erection behind him, Don had to reach deep into his vulva-haunted brain for an original mind. He didn’t were identified. He published 100 Best Place To Take A Date , with notions like “miniature golf” and “pizza.” It was a dickless shadow of an idea already written by thousands of history’s dumbest, least imaginative the authors and stimulated long obsolete by phone books. Diebel’s inspirations were as drained as the balls of a human who seductively call “Show me your bush! ” at topless dancers.
Fun Fact: This is the actual transcript of 100 Best Place to Take a Date sent to me by Don Diebel. It came with a homemade label , no case, and an ad for a CD on dominating pussy no longer in stock. Wait, out of stock? You’re an old boy burning CD-ROMs in his apartment. How does that supplying chain get interrupted? Was there some kind of button shortfall on your mouse? Did your facilitated living nurse throw out the floppy disk that had dom_pu~ 1. wpd on it? This last one isn’t a gag but a real guess: did you get banned from Radio Shack for attempted rape? I guess my point is, Don Diebel isn’t good at anything .
Destroyed by the soul-crushing realization that he was out of ideas for seducing women, he gave up and wrote what might be the loneliest book title since Single Player Rules for Fallout: The Board Game . Here it is 😛 TAGEND
Don Diebel was alone in a cosmo where ass no longer held meaning. The Easy Way To IMPROVE YOUR GOLF WITH S/ A GOLF HYPNOTISM took the same self-hypnosis nonsense Don was use 35 times earlier to psych himself up for a poontang hunt and accommodated it for golf. For health professionals chick hound, it was like finally becoming a dead husband’s den into a sewing room. It was like tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your dick and smothering it with a pillow. It was Don Diebel concluding that he would never discover if the Masters of the Universe Horde Slime Pit Playset actually did feel like a real-life blowjob. Diebel was fucking done.
No. Not yet. With a dusty cough, Don Diebel’s groin rose from the grave. There had to be one last thing he could try, one last daylight to cling to. And then Don realise the secret to pussy was right in front of him all along: the majesty of Jesus Christ. Or as he threw it in the intro to his next book 😛 TAGEND
This would voice a little bit ridiculous “re coming out” anyone else, but if Don Diebel is hearing another voice in his bed, it is impossible to be coming from Jesus Christ. Regrettably, this idea God dedicated him for a book sucked, and Don’s newfound lord and savior was an even worse editor. They say He’s infallible, but He couldn’t get through the second convict of the introduction before missing a this typo. Other philosophers have said this before me, but checkmate, all religion .
This book is desperate groveling on a cosmic, spiritual level. It is a whispering in the darkness pleading for someone, anyone to send Don Diebel a butt to touch. It’s a boy grumbling to the creator of all things for committing girls a option in their sexuality collaborators. Let me demonstrate you what I’m talking about 😛 TAGEND
Nothing is a more perfect Bible quote for Don Diebel’s dating life than one about biding strong in the face of abandonment and getting assistance from your hand.
About a quarter of the book is Bible poems loosely related to abandonment and loneliness, but the majority of members of it is things like this, dating advice rewritten in the form of prayer. Don will call up Jesus and say things like, “Please help me make sure my body language is sexually suggestive and that I have an air of self-assured confidence because ladies adoration that. In your name I pray, Amen.” So in a way, it’s a very sad Don Diebel typing out his prayers. In any other way, it’s a very confident pick-up veteran telling Jesus Himself how to score pussy.
You sad bitch. Your body language advice used to be “point at your dick.” Now it’s “pretend you’re holding a guy’s hand? ” Don, you are 70 years old , and you’re still trolling nightclubs for ass? You can’t call any of your countless former fans to see if their self-esteem is low enough to watch your partial erection fluttering? I’m starting to think it was shortsighted to introduce yourself to every woman by offering to lick the pool water off her feet.
As sad as this prayer is, it gets sadder. It’s reprinted one page afterwards in the exact same section, word for word. At this degree, Don has given up on Jesus sending him single women and would be fine with Jesus sending him the tools to cope with depression. Don, you’re a septuagenarian sexuality volume author who never learned where comma or penis run. How about you stop nagging Jesus for the impossible and thank Him for inspiring you to fill that puppet’s mouth with anal lubricant?
For decades, this man has destroyed every relationship he’s had by immediately checking if she’s the legendary woman who dedicates out free sex to everyone brave enough to ask. And here is what it led to: Don Diebel, after authoring ten books on scoring chicks, is imploring Jesus for a girl in a prayer that sounds like it was written by a third-year third-grader. Failing isn’t a big enough word, and Hitlerfailure hasn’t been invented yet. Don’t feel sorry for Don, though. This is, without exception, the future all the women he’s fulfilled starting in 1980 has advised him about. The tragic tale of Don Diebel is merely surprising because we’re not used to such obvious, twistless endings.
I’ve learned a lot by reading Don Diebel’s volumes. I’ve became aware that you can’t jostle your nuts into the nighttime and call it “meeting women.” Now and always, you have to treat women with respect, and loop your thumbs in your belt so your thumbs point at your own dick, creating a subliminal message those confused drunk sluts can’t withstand. And if that doesn’t project, Plan B is Jesus.
With this win, Seanbaby is the new America’s# 1 Singles Expert. You can follow him on Twitter and play his hit mobile game Calculords .
Ladies, if you encounter a Don Diebel out there, here’s a link to some pepper spray .
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