5 Very Stupid Things Hollywood Taught You About Fighting

Deep down, we like to think we’ve subconsciously assimilated so much knowledge from pop culture that we could comprise our own in a fight, despite has no such real training and, like … objectively the worst torsoes. But even if we could absorb skills through movies, we’d still be bolt. In reality, John Wick’s bulletproof suit would fail him, the parkour ninjas from the 47 different Assassin’s Creed plays would all break their necks, and Rey would kill herself the first time she used a lightsaber. Here’s why.

5

Wearing Boobplate Armor Makes It Easier To Kill You

Once upon a day, the fiction genre was rife with hot women in chainmail bikinis, which offered about just as much protection as wishful thinking. Today, the genre has mostly ripened, and many female characters are given proper suits of armor … which continues to be feature lovingly sculpted metal boobs, for some reason.

HBO Though this blacksmith appears to have forgotten the nipple cavities.

Now, first of all, medieval armor wasn’t simply a sheet of metal they stuck on your torso before marching you off. It was generally worn with padding beneath, for both solace and safety. There’s no point to “skintight” armor, and boob holders has become even more unnecessary when you’re swaddled up like the Michelin Man under there. Secondly, the whole phase of armor is to deflect incoming blows — as in, ricochet them away from your tender bits. But if your breastplate has two big round mountains on either side, the enemy’s sword is going to slip down them, right into the center of your chest.

Bethesda Softworks Generally speaking, you need that to live.

As Tor’s Emily Asher-Perrin explains, a strong enough jolt to the chest can kill you, armor or not. Even falling down in a piece of unpadded boob armor would cause those metal beakers to dig into your chest, ensuing in some serious damage. If our boobless readers are having trouble depicting their own problems, imagine a jockstrap that individually wraps the penis and each testicle separately, instead of putting the whole unit behind one single protective sheet of hard plastic. Then see someone kicking it.

4

Both Lightsabers And Bat’leths Are Terrible Weapons

If you’ve never imagined yourself in a lightsaber duel, then you might as well leave now, because you’re either a liar or a robot, and we will tolerate neither . But despite the name, lightsaber blades are made of plasma. And the amount of energy required to produce that plasma would also be enough to illuminated the entire chamber on fire the second you flipped it on. It would be like trying to wield an explosion bomb. And if that energy could somehow be contained,( like, say, because of the Kyber crystals that you beautiful nerds are already rushing to mention ?), the bargain is still off the second two lightsabers touch. Two rays of piping hot plasma crashing into each other would lead to magnetic reconnection, which is a imagination scientific word for an explosion that results in fricasseed dork.

Lucasfilm And no one will care enough to turn you into a cyborg.

Oh, but don’t think you’re get off illumination here, geeks who opt their stars of the trek range. Now we’re going to look at the Klingon Bat’leth. You’d think this would fare better. It’s not some goofy magical laser sword, just a mean part of metal means to thrust into some dirty Romulan’s chest. OK, but here’s how you hold it 😛 TAGEND

CBS Television Studios If this was useful for killing things, humans would have believed to be it centuries ago.

It’s basically a stick with a couple of pointy bits on the ends. And pointy stays do indeed hurt. Everything checks out so far. But imagine reaching someone from that pose: You’ll get almost no strength or reach from your limp thrustings. If your fight hasn’t been pre-scripted for television, you’d be luck to give your adversary a paper cut. At best, you are able lift a Bat’leth up and swing it down like a far less effective ax … but that’s so unwieldy that whomever you’re fighting would surely perforate you halfway through the process. Perhaps the Klingons are trying to give their victims a sporting chance?

3

You Likely Won’t Stroll Away From Being Shot While Wearing A Bulletproof Vest

Your name is Gareth Goodguy, and you are a good guy. You are in a standoff with Billiam Badguy, who is( try to look astonished here) a bad guy. You both outline your handguns and burn. You both fall. But merely you get back up. Watch, you sway by the Good Guy Store before the fight and picked up a bulletproof vest. It’s a good thing bad guys don’t have that technology! You get to stroll away feelin’ dandy, while Billiam hacks his life away into a trough. Justice reigns!

Universal Pictures Marty are you OK, are you OK, are you OK Marty ?

While bulletproof vests do of course assimilate bullets, all that energy still has to go somewhere. So get shoot feels like taking a 90 mph fastball to the chest — it might not kill you, but it will give you a nasty bruise, knocking you on your ass, and possibly even wind you. Injuries caused by bulletproof vests doing their chore even have their own epithet: behind armor blunt trauma. And BABTs can entail anything from lacerations to fractured ribs to injury vital organs. That’s better than dying, yes, but you’re not strolling away from that with a quick pun and a winking to the camera.

Lionsgate Films Try to explain those bruises to CPS.

2

Doing An Assassin’s Creed -Style Dive Into A Pile Of Straw Would Cripple You

The Assassin’s Creed plays all feature a move “ve called the” Leap of Faith, wherein the hero dives off of a tall building into a stack of fodder( ever conveniently located at the base of any good tower ), then hops out and moves about the working day without so much as a single spectator calling “JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU OK ?! “

Ubisoft While all the city guards suffer immediate face blindness.

But while the move undoubtedly seems cool, it would actually result in nothing more than pilings of mangled assassins rotting softly in haystacks. According to some especially nerdy scientists at the University of Leicester, “it wouldve been” safe to jump into hay from a maximum height of about 12 meters( or 39.3 American Freedoms ). You could probably survive a hop of up to 50 meters( 164 feet ), but you wouldn’t be in any condition to parkour away from engaging sentries afterwards. Any building taller than that, and the deceleration would be too much too quick for all but the most gelatinous assassin.

Ubisoft That moves for diving into sea, too.

As a general rule, it’s safe is of the view that even a three-story building is taller than the security restriction, and the towering steeples of Assassin’s Creed are well beyond that. We know, it’s almost like video games are unrealistic. Do try to learn to trust again some day.

1

Dodge-Rolling Only Makes You An Easy( Undignified) Target

So you’re playing Dark Souls , Bloodborne , Zelda , Tomb Raider , Batman: Arkham Whatever — pretty much any play in history, truly. A big guy is operating at you with an ax. Time to dodge-roll!

Nintendo “They all giggled when I bought that hat adhesive! Well, who’s stupid now ?! “

Surely, real battlefields of yore were also full of warriors gracefully tumbling out of the route of their opponents’ blades. Why, look at this modern recreation wherein … huh.

via Kotaku Missing: the component when the other loots his pockets.

Yeah, it turns out that if your foe isn’t locked in a laughably long video game animation, it’s the easiest thing in the world for them to adjust their swing while you’re flailing around on the ground. In real combat, dodging is all about continuing your movements as simple and efficient as possible, so as to not leave any openings. Look, “youre supposed to” weren’t going to get in a sword fight with a madman anyway, but on the off possibility your Saturday night goes awry, we’re just saying: Don’t somersault.

Mark is on Twitter and has a brand new book .

Listen, candidly, it’s still a good mind to wear a protective vest even when you’re playing paintball .

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