Welcome to Defending the Indefensible Week , where we attempt to vindicate some of pop culture’s crappiest minutes through the magic of harebrained internet hypothesis. Such as …
Before The Last Jedi showed us Luke Skywalker sipping green oozing from the breast of a bloated ocean ogre, Star Wars objections were almost exclusively reserved for the prequels. We all are well aware that George Lucas’ epic space adventure full of racist parodies and intergalactic C-Span didn’t precisely turn out great. But what if we could construct some sense out of at the least one of the trilogy’s most hair-pullingly terrible scenes?
In the final moments of Revenge Of The Sith , we are at last get to see Anakin Skywalker become Darth Vader, after more than six hours of enduring the future nighttime lord’s whiny pre-pubescence and awkward teen years. And the metamorphosi is … abrupt. Basically, they slap a Cenobite-themed respirator suit on a barbecued Hayden Christensen, and abruptly the young Jedi’s voice runs from squeaky Canadian kid to full-throated Mustafa. It’s weird.
Even worse, after hearing the news that his wife has died of medical vagueness, Vader Frankenstein-walks to center stage and call “Noooooo! ” like a toddler hurling a tantrum in the cereal aisle of a Costco.
It’s a suspiciously dreadful minute for an otherwise-iconic character. But here’s a imagine: What if this downright pain scene exists for the same reason the majority of members of us do? That is, a random screw-up.
One Reddit user’s assumption says that Vader was emoting like a regular human being, but his anguished shrieks were translated into that hammy line read because his suit wasn’t properly calibrated . Meaning that the reaction “weve heard” was how the helmet processed Anakin’s scream.
Sure, the movie cuts away right afterwards, but for all we are aware, a few moments afterwards, Darth Vader could have been grousing to the Ruler about his new robo-voice.
They simply slapped on a cybernetic suit, complete with artificial extremities, a respirator, and a complete vocal overhaul. Who expects it to runs perfectly within seconds ? Of course there are bound to be a few flaws. It would be odd if there weren’t. It’s just unfortunate for us that a big flaw happened during the a few moments we’d been suffering through three awful movies to see.
We can go deeper.
Where did that suit “re coming out”? It seems like Palpatine had it tailor-made by the Empire’s best wardrobe droids … who also did the actual dressing of Anakin, for modesty’s sake. But that doesn’t make sense. Reckon about it; Anakin gets Vader-ized almost immediately after losing his duel with Obi-Wan on the Planet of Unconvincing Lava.
Which might not have left enough time to build a fully functional custom life support suit with a sweet cape. So maybe the Vader suit is some kind of over-the-counter product. Maybe in the Star Wars -verse, this happens to be what inhaling assistance machines look like. Perhaps every asthmatic purposes up looks a lot like an evil space warlord.
Now, mass-produced electronics breakdown all the damn day. Maybe the first helmet was faulty, like an iPhone whose Siri only transmits in German heavy metal lyrics. Or maybe there was a “Nauseatingly Theatrical” determine on the voice changer that needed to be switched off.
Of course, the real reason for the line is that George Lucas forgot what human emotions are and James Earl Jones could have literally phoned in his part while having brunch. In fact, we don’t even know for sure that it was James Earl Jones, because he’s not credited in the movie. In reality, he outright denies playing Darth Vader in that scene, responding to one interviewer: “You’d have to ask Lucas about that. I don’t know. I don’t know nuthin’! “
Thankfully, Star Wars fans will ever step in to aid figure out in-universe solutions to these storytelling atrocities.
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